The cobra and the scorpion (3 of 3)

I wasn't liking Phnom Penh much. My quest was a bust, I was uncomfortable even in a pool hall, and I had no desire to make friends with the people staying near me. I shot off an email to the Aussie telling him it was a good try and switched hostels to a better area. I booked a bus for the next morning to see Angkor Wat. I headed to bed and found an email waiting for me from aswa (I found out aswa means 'danger' in malay, no idea if that is the origin). He said I had spoken to the wrong bartender: I was supposed to find Srey Ra, not Joon Lee. He had emptied the bag knowing it might not last, and had given everything to the person he trusted. She would have a second bag for me to go with the first. I was leaving in six hours. I hopped in a tuk-tuk and headed back to the laughing fat man. Srey Ra was behind the bar. Aswa would message her, then message me, then Srey Ra would ask me a few questions. It took 20 minutes of this before she ducked behind a counter and pulled out a shopping bag that had been stapled shut. It had a tag with my reddit username on it. I pulled things out one by one, with Srey Ra bursting in to laughter occasionally.

Dear borderline anonymous internet person. I will attempt to leave as much knowledge as possible within this note. I have left a couple of notes. They barely scratch the surface. Discover explore, learn and teach. Pass anything you don't want to someone who does.
Good luck.

He had a page on places to visit in Phnom Penh, a list of the islands, a map of the area with notes like 'town run by mafia. FEAR THE RUSSIANS HERE!', 'this border post will rob you blind. AVOID!'. Following was a list of 'people of interest'. That day I had met a guy named 'G'. He was a skinny Canadian who rides around on a white Harley Davidson. He stopped by the hostel daily offering weed to the guests. I saw him maybe 5-6 times a day. One girl commented that he had been trying to get one of her friends to go out on a tour of the city with him. He was going for that vagrant 'zen master of wisdom' vibe. The people of interest included:

G - tall, skinny Canadian. To be honest he looks like a skeloton. He is a f***ing psycho, avoid at all costs.

I asked Srey Ra what she knew about G. She said he was a very bad man, that he loses his temper and explodes a lot, which is a big crime in Cambodian culture. He also listed 'Mr. P', who can 'make problems...go away' and can get huge discounts at the shooting range, where you can fire machine guns and rocket launchers, or for $300 you can toss grenades at a live cow. And there was 'Kessara', a homeless man selling wallets. I would really have liked to find him; the 'history of Cambodia' he had in his head would have told me a lot about the Pol Pot years. I had just visited the killing fields that day. The rest of the bag included: utensils, a makeshift medical kit, a strong lock, weed with paper and a grinder, sunscreen, bug spray, a power strip, a quiz game about Holland, an eyeglass case full of coins, a manicure kit, business cards with notes on who to talk to, and my personal favorite: a sealed bottle of rice wine with a cobra biting a scorpion inside.

There was also a baby gecko in there. I'm guessing he wasn't originally included.

Cobra biting a scorpion

The laughing fat man (2 of 3)

My travel plan fly in to Singapore, spend a day there, then a day in Kuala Lampur, then catch a flight to Cambodia to complete my quest. In KL my travel plans were hijacked when I ended up with a crazy travel family who decided to head to Penang. We went out clubbing the night before, and I eventually gave in to peer pressure and missed my flight to Cambodia. We bounced around Malaysia for a few weeks, so the Cambodia starter pack had been sitting there much longer than expected.

I didn't have accommodation, so on arrival in Phnom Penh I headed straight for the laughing fat man guesthouse to ask for the pack. It seemed like an alright place, so I booked a night there. Within a few hours, I could tell something was up. There were no western girls anywhere, but there were a ton of old western guys. I tried to play pool and was immediately surrounded by asian girls wanting to play with me; at that point I realized I was staying in the red light district, and every bar was full of prostitutes.

I asked the bartender if she knew the Aussie. She got a big grin, and spent 5 minutes telling me how 'he a very good man'. She definitely had a thing for him. She wasn't the one listed in the letter, but I asked about the package anyway. She knew exactly what I was talking about, and called over a big guy named Noon. He questioned me for a little while, then said 'You're a mate of aswa? You want weed or coke?' He figured anyone who was friends with this guy would be after drugs.

He disappeared and came back seconds later with a big, red backpack. It was a serious travel pack, and well-used. I checked in to my room with a big grin on my face. I was getting messaged by various travelers I had told about my quest who knew I was about to complete it. I went through the bag: it was completely empty. All the zippers were opened. Whatever had been in there had disappeared while I was cavorting around Malaysia.

The rabbit has entered the burrow (1 of 3)

I was in a forum for solo travelers, and read a guy's story who visited Cambodia then ended up staying for three months. We traded a few comments, and I mentioned I would be in Cambodia the day after he left. He was giving me advice on what to do and see, and who to meet, and what I'd need. It all got to be too much; he finally just said he was going to leave me a 'Cambodia starter pack' I could pick up when I got here. This isn't all that easy to arrange, but right before I left on my trip, here is what we worked out:

The rabbit has entered the burrow. New password - say you're a mate of someone called Ian. Its a shit password but I'm working across languages here, I just spent an hour trying to explain why cryptography is important to someone who never even got a first grade education, let alone finished hoghschool..... basically, the package is ready when you are. The package will contain an assortment of odds and ends that you will find useful on your travels. Ask to speak to Srey Ra. Tell her, "The aswa has left me a package." She will give you it. The contents will be varied - I will try to include many things of interest. uck man, you've got 30 days? That's shitloads of time. OK, first of all, get your visa at the airport. 1 month tourist visa is going to cost you 30 dollars, maybe 35 if it's a quiet day and the security are strapped for cash. If you're doing Siem Reap first, stay for one, maybe 3 days max. Seriously, there is nothing there of any interest bar the temples, and you will honestly probably be sick of them after 4 or 5 hours in the humidity. The bars and stuff in Pub Street are way overpriced, but are always full and always pumping. I can also sort you out with a few mates of mine who run a dive centre off of one of the islands. I'll hook you up mate. Mate, I can't tell you what's going to be in the starter kit. All I can do is say - when you get to phnom Penh, go to street 172, and go to the Laughing Fatman guesthouse. When you get there, ask the lady behind the counter if there was a package for "shadowstalker". That package will contain all the information you need to know.

Singapore to Kuala Lampur

I watch out the window as the rest of Singapore goes by. I pass by the Gardens on the Bay that I regret not visiting, the giant ferris wheel, and outside the city center a gigantic shipping yard, industrial and science centers, some odd-shaped apartment buildings. There is jungle everywhere as landscaping, but no unused space. I switch to a pair of unoccupied seats and pull out my laptop to write this and settle in for the 6-hour journey. Within minutes the bus stops and everyone gets off. I leave my bags and head through Singapore immigration. I wonder what would happen here if I had lost my disembarkation ticket.

I follow everyone else until an official points me to an area for foreigners. Everyone else from all the buses outside are in a line for Malaysian passport holders. Singapore is an island connected by bridge to the Malaysian peninsula; I'm the only tourist here, everyone else is crossing the border to go to or from work. We get back on the bus and cross a long bridge to Malaysia, then do it all again, except this time all the immigration officials are females wearing hijabs. At one point I had researched all the countries I would be visiting; I have notes on exchange rates, visa requirements, and the best way to cross each border. But with no internet access I can't look this stuff up. Thanks for locking my phone AT&T. I'm pretty sure I don't need a visa to enter Malaysia, but I still breath a sigh of relief when I pass through. I rush into a convenience store and ask them if they take US $. He says no, but he sees my Singapore dollars and says he'll take those. I snag a package of cookies and cold can of something with a coffee bean on it.The register rings up 7.40 Ringgit, and I'm trying to convert my guesstimate of a Ringitt being around a quarter, and a SD being around $.70, so if I times the total at the register by one-third I can convert it to SGD and figure out how much I'm spending in USD...The bus driver is leaning out staring at me. I fumble around with change and the cashier says 'tell you what, give me this and go' as he takes $4. I give up converting it in my head, it seems cheap compared to $12 beers and $3 gatorades. I'm back on the bus and I'm going to check the conversion rates now...and it looks like he took me for about 40%. The good news is the price of goods looks like it is going to be half what it was in Singapore. In 28 hours in Singapore I spent about $150, even though I slept for 18 of those hours.

We just stopped at a gigantic rest stop with two markets and a dozen fast-food joints and a half dozen buses out front. It is hotter inside than outside, and it is really hot outside. I've only had the package of cookies in the last 15 hours, so I need to find a money exchange quick. I get directed to the office, which looks to be the pay office for the workers. I ask about exchanging money, he shakes his head at first when I tell him USD; he wants SGD. Eventually he says he'll do the USD 'for 2.5'. Losing 2.5% on exchange is not a good rate, but it is about what I paid at the airport and the tailor took 2.8%, so I figure it is not good but not too bad. I'm tired of being out of money so I exchange give him a hundred dollar bill and my last Singapore dollar. He gives me back 252.5 Ringgit. At this point I realize that 2.5 was what he was willing to give as a rate of exchange for both USD and SGD, not just the vig, which leaves me with a whopping 30% exchange fee. I've only been in the country for an hour and I've already lost 30 bucks.

Singapore was a rich, modern place full of concrete; the infrastructure was modern and well maintained, there was no litter anywhere, and the jungle showed only where it was allowed to for landscaping purposes. Malaysia is a jungle with a few islands of concrete carved out. I'm used to seeing the harsh cliffs of the Cottonwood Canyons where trees struggle to cling to bare rock. Here I can't tell what the mountain would look like, every inch is covered in foliage. I pull in to Kuala Lampur; it looks like a poorer, more run down version of Singapore. The sidewalks are broken, there is litter everywhere, and there are homeless in the park. The bus stops and I ask him if I get off. He says get off. I ask him again if I should get off. He says get off. I grab my things to get off. He says 'You're getting off'??

I figure since I don't know where I'm going it doesn't matter where I am. I get off. I see a Starbucks and head there searching for wifi. Everything is in English. The Starbucks menu is identical to back home. So are the prices. I use the wifi to find hostels. I read the name 'Reggae Mansion' and figure that's the place for me. I stumble in absolutely soaked in sweat. I get a bed in a 24-room dorm for 45 Ringgit ($13). I lay on the bed until I stop sweating, then head to the rooftop bar where I hear reggae blasting. The heavens open and it is pouring rain; I can probably expect it to rain every afternoon around 3pm. Within a few minutes I'm hanging out with Stef and Peter from Holland. They just arrived and are trying to deal with the jet lag. They are headed to Thailand too, so we discuss the Full Moon Party this Saturday. It's not really my scene, but it is a huge deal around here; kind of a right of passage to backpacking Thailand. I end up playing cards with three guys from Toronto: Alex, Austin, and I can't remember the last guy even though I've asked his name multiple times. They were in Singapore for five days, and said not a single person would talk to them. They ask if I'm going to the Full Moon Party too. I tell them to keep me awake and we go out in search of food. It's 6am in Utah, if I can sleep tonight I think I have a new sleep schedule down.

Singapore

My plane lands at 3am and I arrive to an empty airport on the island of Singapore. There is a line of taxis for as far as I can see, all waiting at idle for passengers. Guessing by the lack of people in the airport, they are going to be here a while. I inquire at the information desk; I can take a cab for $30-$40 to the city center, or wait an hour until the shuttle starts at 4am for $9. I'm not going to pay more for a cab than my bus ticket to Kuala Lampur tomorrow cost me so I join a group sleeping in chairs to wait. I trade in a few US dollars for Singapore dollars; I don't get many because I'm only going to be here a day, and airports are notorious for having bad exchange rates.

An hour later I head to the bathroom and the guy at the information desk tracks me down while I'm peeing to tell me the shuttle is ready. The driver drops me off in Little India, I know there are a couple hostels per block around here. I spend an hour trying to get a SIM for my phone to work before realizing AT&T has locked my phone to the AT&T network. It sucks to have no phone, no internet, and no email. I rent a bed ($22) in a shared dorm room until checkout a few short hours later. There is only one guy in there, a local who has been there a week 'waiting for his house to be ready'. He was up playing on his phone at 5am, so at least I didn't bother anyone. I sleep for a few hours, and grab a coffee on my way out. There are a dozen travelers in the kitchen, I see no interaction between them and hear no English. I'm unimpressed by Little India so I take the bus to the more yuppie quay district.

I find a new hostel right off the water, but the good location doubles the price. They hold my passport until I can get some Singapore dollars to pay them. She asks me for my 'embarkation ticket', I have no idea what she is talking about. I had been using a piece of scrap paper to take notes with; she tells me it is my immigration ticket and I can't leave Singapore without it. I head down to China Town; there is always a money trader in China Town. But here there isn't; after half an hour I talk to an Indian tailor. These guys custom make suits for tourists to ship home, they are hungry and enterprising, they are happy to make a side deal for my US currency. He tells me the rate is 1.3; I know it is closer to 1.33 but I'll pay the 2.8% so I can go sleep.

I find a packed restaurant with street tables and find a menu with nothing but pork ribs. Seriously, it is just pork ribs prepared a couple dozen ways. I order Bak kut teh (hot pork tea); it is pork ribs in an endless hot spicy broth, and it is amazing. Maybe hot soup is not the best when it is hot and humid out (93 with 64% huimidity), but I can imagine this stuff on a snow day. I'm the only westerner I see that day, and I notice I'm the only person wearing a hat. I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb, but no one pays the slightest attention to me; I'm guessing they see a lot of tourists, but not now in the off season. The exception was whenever I walked by a 'spa'. The lady at the counter would try to wave me in like it was the place I've been looking for, sometimes rushing out of the store.

Bak kut teh

I stumble outside and see the light show at Marina Bay going off in the distance. I can barely stay awake, but I don't want to keep sleeping and wake up ready to go at 3am when everything is closed. I walk a block to the quay; there are 20 restaurants in a row with an amazing view of the city and canal at night. I'm impressed by a place with gigantic lobsters and crabs and fish in cascading fish tanks. I keep walking and find that every third restaurant has this exact same setup, right down to the font on the signs. There are British pubs with no Brits and Irish pubs with no Irish. There are quite a few Italian restaurants. I grab a seat on the edge of the canal and get 'thick crab corn stew' and beef satay with a beer. The crab stew tastes like corn in flour paste. I realize it is corn in flour paste. I quit after three bites, finish my beef satay and pay my $35SD bill ($25). The amazing street food does not extend to the yuppie tourist areas.

The quay.

This is what $25 gets you in Singapore

I go walking and am relieved to find a familiar place. I had seen a few pool tables around, usually with a full bar and lots of hot young women. The way these places work is you go play pool, and the girls flirt and play pool with you. Eventually they will ask you to buy them a drink; if you do they will keep playing with you and you'll find a $30 drink on your bill. If you want her to take off with you she'll tell you she can't because she is working, but if you pay her employer a fine, she can get off work early and go have some fun. After that, you can make other arrangements with her if that's what you're looking for. But this was an actual pool hall, I could tell as soon as I saw snooker tables and cue lockers. I rent a table and she tries to sell me a 6-pack of Heinekein on special for $35SD. At this point I realize I am down to my last few SD, and I'm not going to find a currency exchange that night or before my 7am bus to Kuala Lampur. I order a Jack Daniels neat. She kept insisting I get a mixer with it. When I won't she brings me the JD on ice. I have no idea what she actually brought me that looked like whiskey, but there was only a faint whisper of alcohol for that $7SD. There was a table of locals playing an amazingly good game of snooker. Imagine a pool table with twice the area and balls that are half the normal size; it takes skill (and long arms). A gorgeous girl in tiny shorts with long black hair walks in with a middle-aged businessman to play at the table next to me. She laughs at everything he says, cheers when he makes a shot, and finds lots of excuses to fall into his arms. He spends most of the time staring at his phone. She looks my way quite a bit, which means the only two people in the whole city to take the slightest notice of me were a couple of spa madam's and a pool hall girl. It's obvious what the reputation of a western tourist is.

I've got just enough SGD left for cab fare to catch my long-distance bus in the morning. I head to the hostel and grab a gatorade at the 7-11 along the way. I'm sitting in bed when one of my roommates walks in. She seems shocked to see me; I say hello, she dives into her bed and closes the curtain. The other guy is in bed too, I can see him behind his curtain. There is a main room with 8 beds, with a community bathroom to one side and our 4-bed room next to it. I'm not sure what the etiquette is in a unisex bathroom, but there is no room to dress in the shower stalls, so I undress in the open and hope none of the girls walk in. I open the door into the main dorm room to a guy wearing a t-shirt and no pants. I guess I didn't need to be careful. I realize I left my key on my bed, I forgot I would need it to get back in. I know both my roommates are awake and right next to the door on the bottom bunks, so I knock. And knock again. Two people in the main dorm pull back their curtains to stare at me. The two in my room ignore the knocking completely. I have to make two trips to reception to get and return a spare key, and it is around 1am with me walking through groups of sleeping people. I never once saw any person there interact with another person in any way. I hope it isn't like this everywhere.